the hiatus - a retreat from personal revelation and public communication

I'm not a writer, and I don't assume to think that I actually have any kind of audience for this blog, however for the last 9 months or so I've been motivated to retreat from putting anything on the web that would provide someone, anyone, with any insight into my person.  As I begin to transition from working in the corporate world, finishing grad school, and embarking on a career in the information science field, I have almost developed a hyper fear of leaving any kind of possibly uncontrolled or casual (i.e. non-professional) personal information out on the interwebs.  It's a slightly bazaar and negative side effect of modern society's extreme interconnectedness, and this last year I have definitely fallen victim.  And I'll tell you exactly what it is that sparked this fear - and it has nothing to do with any of the events or issues involving Snowden, Assange, or the NSA, though these would have been rather valid motivators.  It also was not caused by the trend of unplugging, disconnecting, and primitizing, though the motivation for these trends are caused by similar sentiments.

Last June - 09/11/13 to be exact because my Twitter feed says so - I had already deactivated my Facebook and was having the urge to step away from everybody, everything (as I think is the natural reaction of almost everybody in my generation, that is a generation that grew up with a relatively internet-free adolescence + an internet-bombasted young adult life) when I read a tweet from Joyce Carol Oates that at the time felt very true and genuine to what I was feeling:

  "Because of our hyper-verbal, hyper-connected society we have come to think --erroneously--that our opinions, our merest thoughts, matter.."

And I heeded its advice.  Because this statement is true.  and generally correct.  People (many many people at least) think --erroneously-- that their gourmet food photos matter, that having 20,000 followers means something for their self worth, that just because you have a Facebook account you should tell people how you feel, impress them with your witty social commentary, and let everybody know what you really think about Miley's Cyrus's behavior, because your opinion is so against the grain.  What Oates was indicating was that just because you have an outlet that allows you to easily communicate to others doesn't instantly mean that you should use it.  ... Right?

Well, I thought so (and I mostly still do).  And so I decided not to contribute to a personal blog that I felt might be too expressive, because nobody reads this anyways, and just because I have a blog doesn't mean that my opinions need to be documented.  However what I found was that I couldn't do it exactly.  I found other ways of expression, other means of communication, other outlets for presenting my ideas.  And these other means weren't always suited for what it was that I was trying to convey.  Sometimes you need to post a funny observation on your Facebook that your friends in Maine would understand, and sometimes you need to promote an event on your Instagram, and then sometimes you need to just sit down and write out what is that you really mean.  or at least I do.

I was already thinking about using the blog again, allowing myself to write to the public abyss again, personal revelations and all, when I read something else that sparked me to actually do it.  It was the voice of Audre Lorde and her many words on the downfalls of silence and the fears that surround it:

“Your silence will not protect you.” — “The Transformation of Silence Into Language and Action”

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.”

“As we learn to bear the intimacy of scrutiny, and to flourish within it, as we learn to use the products of that scrutiny for power within our living, those fears which rule our lives and form our silences begin to lose their control over us.” — “Poetry Is Not a Luxury,” Sister Outsider

"The Fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken."- “The Transformation of Silence Into Language and Action

Both ideas are from respectable perspectives, and intelligent people, and each has its own, independent value.  Joyce Carol Oates' sentiments do not cancel out Audre Lorde's calls for speaking out, nor vice versa. And while my thoughts might not be revolutionary, or valuable by any means, and they may not need to be heard by anyone at all, but to silence them simply out of recognition of this insignificance or fear of revelation also may not be the best answer, even in this hyper-connected, overly accessible world.  And thus I am back here.  Because time is a flat circle after all, just ask Rust Cohle :)  (yep had to throw that in there, sorry)

today i'm reading Rainer Maria Rilke

I am so afraid of people's words.
They describe so distinctly everything:
And this they call dog and that they call house,
here the start and there the end.
I worry about their mockery with words,
they know everything, what will be, what was;
no mountain is still miraculous;
and their house and yard lead right up to God.
I want to warn and object: Let the things be!
I enjoy listening to the sound they are making.
But you always touch: and they hush and stand still.
That's how you kill.

• Translated by Annemarie S. Kidder

“Books are, let’s face it, better than everything else. If we played cultural Fantasy Boxing League, and made books go 15 rounds in the ring against the best that any other art form had to offer, then books would win pretty much every time. Go on, try it. The Magic Flute v. Middlemarch? Middlemarch in six. The Last Supper v. Crime and Punishment? Fyodor on point And every now and again you’d get a shock, because that happens in sport, so Back to the Future III might land a lucky punch on Rabbit, Run; but I’m still backing literature 29 times out of 30.” - Nick Hornby

today i'm reading something that, while rural in context, is found applicable to contemporary settings

"That's the way it takes men; life's work over, rural ennui stretching ahead:  a procession of days, Sunday to Sunday, all without shape. ... It's like perpetual November, a life in the dark."
 - Hilary Mantel, "Bringing Up The Bodies" 

"If you want corn, plant corn" - Manuel Knight

At the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, many Americans had little sympathy for people with AIDS. The feeling was that somehow people from certain groups 'deserved' their illness. Let us put those feelings behind us. We are fighting a disease, not people ...The country must face this epidemic as a unified society. We must prevent the spread of AIDS while at the same time preserving our humanity and intimacy." - Dr. C. Everett Koop

This is a particularly eventful week in the fight against AIDS - the conversation about a cure has returned to the forefront.  As doctors declare a child born HIV positive to be "functionally cured", that is able to live independent of treatment, I have heard more chatter about the possibility of ending the epidemic than I have since I was a child.  For however long this will last, days or weeks I'm not sure,  I'm just glad this talk has returned so that the complacency and acceptance I have witnessed over the years hopefully doesn't perpetuate, and the epidemic will see an end in my lifetime. 

I also am glad to have been introduced to the public figure that is Dr. C. Everett Koop.  While it was his passing on Feb 25th 2013 that made his name known to me, I will claim my ignorance of the most recognizable Surgeon General in the history of the U.S..  Living in a time where being a religious individual and a conservative is too often so backwards, it is nice to read about a man who was deeply religious, but at the same time understood the true meaning of human good and public service, and how this is the paramount concern.  It is a little sad that I still find his story of standing up against ridiculous conservative stances to be so relevant, but in a year where such things as the legitimacy of rape has been questioned, I do.  So today, I'm respecting the legacy of Dr. C. Everett Koop, a true public servant and an advocate for all. 

(this video from the 80's is pretty telling as well)

today i'm voting for archive stories

As someone who is adopted, genealogy has never interested me.  Frankly, I've just never really understood the strong heritage identifications most Americans seem to have (and flaunt).  Which is why I will probably never end up using my MLIS to be an archivist.  However, I do love history.  I love old things - old people, old buildings, old shoes, etc.  There's just a sense of strength about things that stand the test of time, and something remarkable about the stories they then carry them. Which is also why I will probably not remain living in America -  I need ancient items around me.

But I digress - today I read the top 3 entries for the Ohio Historical Society's "Found it in the Archives" contest.  The contest occurs every year, and always provides some interesting journeys of Ohioans who have woven together stories of past - all because of the preservation efforts of the OHS and its archives.  It is a good example of why preservationists are important.  

And this is the story I voted for, about a vanished Toledo firefighter :  I Found it in the Archives: Doug Tracy

today i'm finally giving the new year some attention, i guess

so while the intentions are good, new year's resolutions are lame.  resolutions in general, however are not.  

and if the turning of a clock, and the subsequent anticlimax that undoubtedly follows incites people to do better with themselves and their lives, then that is good in its own sense.  however if one can't see the need for this kind of action or movement in any other time of the year, and one must sheepishly follow the standards of time and gimmick, standards that were created by humans of course, then this is what's "lame".   and it's this, this lack of genuine and very personal motivation, that often leads these resolutions to remain unpacked suitcases sitting in the corner of the room.   

so today i'm finally giving the new year some attention.  i will say my new year's wasn't the greatest, and it is almost never is, but it did cause for a lot of personal reflection.  and i guess recently i have come up with some sort of resolution, a motto of the year if you will.  i mean the standards of time are good for many things, such as goal settings, and there are goals that i have laid before myself this year. and therefore some year motivation, some motto is worthy of noting.  it was a voice of simplicity that came through and i honestly feel will be continually referenced, and it came from mother teresa. 

i'm sure everybody, at least anybody with an internet connection and a social networking account or feed of some sort, has swam through the muddy sea of inspirational quotes and images.  like anything in excess, they lose their "inspirational" value in this way, but i also find that none of them offer many solutions or answers on how.  they just tell.  tell you to feel inspired, to go somewhere, to stop crying, to see things this way.  and yes so does this quote.  but for me this was the one and only one that made sense, at least for me - me in this year.  so let's be a bit trite 2013:   i'm going to do it anyway. 

today i'm catching up on tomorrow's questions

I began subscribing to C-PET's updates a few semesters ago when I was taking my first IAKM course on Futures Research, taught by Michael Nelson.  I always look forward to updates from Nigel Cameron, and now that I've had some time to catch up on most of my RSS and e-mails, I've had some time to catch up on some sage insights, which is something I thoroughly enjoy.  So today I'm reading Nigel Cameron's commentary, learning more about the tragic loss of Aaron Swartz and his extreme but heroic fight for open access, and re-listening to Ray Kurzweil speak about his studies on the neocortex and how technology really is an extension of human intelligence.

And I think it's fitting to include a quote of Nigel Cameron's 2013 things to watch.
   "It's a comment on our complacency that there is not enormous alarm across the political and social spectrum at the advances being made by artificial intelligence and robotics in the workplace"

today i'm finally feeling like i have some time

i really threw myself into my classes this last semester - i vied that i would read every assignment in its entirety (twice if necessary), take my time, draw it all in and learn as much as possible.  as soon as classes ended, it was holidays and then the yearly onset of SAD for me - which usually means a lot of wine, fiction, and sweatpants.  so today, i'm finally chipping away at my inbox, catching up on news, organizing my desktop and feeling like i finally have some time.

so here's what rang true to me today: 

"Digital literacy is less about how to turn on a computer and more about how to move between apps." 
 -Will Manley, Digitized to Distraction

"put another way, today's ear of corn is 80% knowledge" -Thomas Stewart, Intellectual Capital: The New Wealth of Organizations

today i'm liking the nascent simplicity of mister rogers' what do you do with the mad that you feel

it's always good to revisit the classics, the basics, the fundamentals, the predecessors, the road-pavers.  I mean say what you will, how corny it can sound, but Mister Rogers is an originator, a revolutionary in children's television who approached his show with an innocent creativity, and did so with very limited resources.  In light of last night's presidential debate and Mitt Romney's infamous promise to remove Big Bird from television, i find myself loving this PBS advocating video circulating the internet as a result.  It makes you respect Mister Rogers' genuineness and his evident dedication to understanding children's needs.  It kind of makes me long for days without facebook posts, chain e-mails, digital petition signings, and other kinds of lazy, homogenized activism.  Not to be a curmudgeon or an idealist, I love technology and innovation, but a side effect of the technology age is a lazy society, and you have to really get inspired by the days when people actually wrote up proposals, literally stood up, showed up, and intelligently presented to the government face to face, without any great monetary motivation or care of how it shows on their resume or how civil it makes their internet image appear, but simply an interest for the public education of humanity.

and today i'm liking the simplicity of mister rogers' song, "what do you do with the mad that you feel." Sometimes children just have the ability to articulate things with an innocent clarity that adults often lack.  it's a good question, and after last night's debate, I think it's an appropriate one.

 

in looking towards banned book week 2012

A great video from Bookman's (a small bookstore chain based in Arizona)

today i'm wishing peyton manning really said this

 "Each turnover has its own story that no one really wants to hear," Manning said afterward. He then paused, looked in every reporter's eyes, and said, "Actually, let's do this. Turnover one was a lonely girl with big dreams who wanted to escape the drudgery of life in her tiny Nebraska town. Her father was an undertaker, but she longed for more, so she joined a traveling circus. She found joy and she married a carnie, but late one drunken night she died while riding the zipper and they sent her body back to her father. INTERCEPTION. Turnover two was a lot like the boy in Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer." Poor kid, ragged people, bleeding winter, dead from boxing. INTERCEPTION. Turnover three was just a bad pass. WRONG. TRICKED YOU. Each turnover has a story, never forget that. Turnover three was the look my father gave me one October morning, age 8, when I said I wanted to become an artist. "I hate football, Daddy. I love paints and oils." Old Archie threw me in the back of our pickup truck, drove me out to the woods, and left me with nothing but a football for six days. It worked. I fell in love with that football and named it Godfrey. My artistic dreams died with the midnight howling of the wolves. INTERCEPTION. COME BACK, GODFREY. But Godfrey's gone."

source: grantland

actual events.. womp womp 

just because

What I'm reading today: Research Methods Knowledge Base

"A fallacy is an error in reasoning, usually based on making assumptions"  -William M.K. Trochim

today i'm reviewing the aids international conference and listening to hydeia broadbent

i was a little young and sheltered to remember all of the culture and media around the AIDS discovery of the 80's but i have found myself somewhat disgusted at how people address the virus in current times.  It's not in the news nearly as much as it should be, and when it is, there is very little mention of cures and not enough emphasis on simple education- it's all about treatment and drug development. People are complacent and even light-hearted about it anymore and it is not doing anybody any favors. 

And today, I listened to Hydeia Broadbent speak as a 28 year old who has survived AIDS for 25 years of her young life.  I listened to her still get emotional about everything the virus has taken from her and people she's known, and how hard the struggle is to live every day.  I listened to her echo my thoughts, going as far as to say that it is a scarier time now than it was in the early 90's because of people's willingness to step down from the challenge of eradicating the virus, to accept it as something light and treatable. 

Today I'm watching videos of Nordoff Robbins' work on the effects of music on people

Nordoff Robbins seeks to cultivate music therapy for people who are otherwise non-responsive, but when watching the videos, one of a woman with severe dementia and another with a low functioning autistic boy,  I felt their responses embody what music does to anybody.  As sentimental as it may be, I just felt what they are innocently expressing overtly is a good embodiment of what happens to most people connecting with music - only in their bedrooms, when nobody's home, and the lights are low. 


Jack from Nordoff Robbins on Vimeo.




Kath from Nordoff Robbins on Vimeo.

today i'm reading conversations from former high school classmates on the subject of race and Obama, but really just race.

I changed the names in some sort of attempt of not infringing on privacy, but it was already on Facebook, so I copied it word for word.  This may also be stealing, but today I was just so invested in following conversations that unfurled from two extremely intelligent individuals that I knew in a predominantly white, conservative environment.  Maybe it's different when race conversations of this level come from a personal experience, such as high school, as opposed to the disconnect of public media, however it is, the conversation I think is valuable and pertinent. 

Chad  shared a link.

June 14

the 2012 presidential election will be a referendum on race in america.

How Racist Are We? Ask Google

campaignstops.blogs.nytimes.com

Research that compares the use of racially charged search terms with voting patterns suggests that Barack Obama's race lowers his chance of re-election.

Like · · Share

        Dan - I thought the 2008 election was supposed to be the referendum on race. Do we have to have a black president from here on out to prove America isn't racist?

        June 14 at 4:03pm · Like

        Chad - does the successive election of 44 white presidents prove that america is racist? your question is misleading, as it implies that the election of a black person to high office is proof that america is post-racial. america is in fact still very racist...so no, one more term in office isn't proof of anything to me.

        the only significant development in race relations between 2008-2012 is that the racially motivated animus towards obama - partly because of the economy, and partly because of the ubiquitous nature of racism in our country - is more deeply entrenched.

        June 14 at 7:01pm · Like

        Dan -so then 2012 isn't a referendum on race?

        June 14 at 9:39pm · Like

        Dan Other points..

        1) Obama is the 44th President. Does he not count as non-white now? It seems rather petty (read: racist) to say he's not "black enough."

        2) Racism used to be much more extreme than it is now which can account for the majority of the 43(.5?) non-white presidents... but black America makes up 13% of Americans. So we'd expect in a post-racial America that only 1 in 9-10 presidents be black, right? What I fail to understand is the end goal. When can we say racism is dead? What needs to happen? It seems like pre-2008, the line was "well there's never been a black president." Are you saying now there needs to be a 100% black president? Do the next 6 presidents need to be 100% black to compensate for the 43.5 white presidents we've had so far in order to reach 13% of presidents being black presidents? What about other races? What about females? They make 50+% of the population and there's never been a female president.

        3) What if a conservative black was elected (eg Herman Cain or Condoleezza Rice)? Would he/she count in healing the racial divide in America or are they just "uncle toms" or puppets of the white racist cause?

        June 14 at 9:55pm · Like

        Dan- ‎43(.5?) white* presidents

        June 14 at 10:11pm · Like

        Chad- Dan, your play on words is cute, but not really too clever. yes, 2012 is a referendum on race in america. yes, 2008 was also a referendum on race in america. is that clear?

        after rereading my post, i see how you could conclude that i don't think obama is black, as i said the US has elected 44 white presidents in a row. if you read more critically though, you would have noticed that the second paragraph clearly says that the racial animus towards obama has increased over the last four years. do you think that i was saying that the racial animus towards a white president has grown over that same time period? you clearly must have as your entire response turns on that assumption.

        i guess as long as we're talking about construction and grammar, i should probably point out that you read into my comments that obama isn't black enough. i didn't write that, or even get anywhere close to insinuating that. in any event, thank you for giving me a proper education on what petty racism looks like among black folks, it's definitely informative.

        i'll do my best to address all of the logical leaps you've taken in constructing your response. you start by saying in "a post-racial america we'd expect...". i don't have to make any assumptions to see what's wrong with that language, because it's plain on its face. if we were truly in a post-racial america, there's no need to state that we're in a post-racial america. you've fallen into the paradox that so many do, america won't be post-racial until there's no need to refer to it as so.

        secondly, to use your own analytical framework, if whites make up approximately 60% of the population, wouldn't that mean that income, unemployment, incarceration rates, etc...should follow that same distribution? why aren't you criticizing those statistical anomalies? why do you constrain blacks to proportionate representation, and say nothing about the overrepresentation of whites in virtually every facet of american society? should whites be incarcerated more frequently, be disenfranchised more often, give up some of their wealth in society in order to more accurately reflect statistical averages? the questions you've posed are ridiculous.

        third, you ask the question when can we say racism is dead? how about when it actually is? you point to obama as the final nail in the coffin of american racism. obama has great symbolic value in the context of american race relations, but beyond that, his value is only anecdotal. i find it hard to believe that you can actually extrapolate his presidency to mean that american racism now ceases to exist. if you really believe that, you're part of the problem. a colorblind approach only works when you're white. i assure you, while race may not be that important to you, it is to many of us who don't happen to share your skin color.

        further, why do whites get to say when racism is over? there are some other ethnic groups that share this country with you, they may like a say too.

        your next points are only meant to muddy the waters, so i'll answer them succinctly. yes, women are underrepresented. yes, other minority groups are underrepresented. what's your point? do i care about those issues? of course. is this a zero sum game where one can only care about a single issue at the expense of all others? you're qualified to answer that one.

        your final point is pretty interesting. are conservative blacks "uncle toms"? well, i guess it depends on who you ask, but that's what intrigues me. what's intriguing is that you assume that liberal blacks hold conservative blacks with contempt, as if liberal blacks are a monolithic entity. i don't know if you're aware of this, but we hold our own, independent ideas about things. we can actually think for ourselves. the way you framed that question is so simplistic, you surely could've come up with something more sophisticated. also, shouldn't healing the racial divide include all races working together? why is the onus on blacks to heal this nation? i guess if i assume that there isn't an actual racial divide, but only a perceived one, i can see where you're coming from. but accomplishing that would require that i suspend my disbelief, and that i cannot do.

        Friday at 12:04am · Like · 2

        Dan- Your comments raise a couple questions but let's take them one at a time... If the 2012 presidential election is a referendum on race, what's that really mean? Does it mean if President Obama is re-elected, then American racism is dwindling and conversely, if not, racism is still "deeply entrenched" in our society? Isn't that a false dichotomy?

        P.S. I apologize for coming off as trying to play linguistic tricks. I want to understand where you are coming from.

        Friday at 12:23am · Like

        Chad- i've painted with a broad brush. i apologize for diminishing the efforts of many white brothers and sisters towards a more equitable society.

        Friday at 12:23am · Like

        Chad- it means that we'll see how many americans vote against obama mainly because of his race, and not because of differences in political ideology. during 44's first term, it's apparently okay to refer to the sitting president as muslim in a pejorative way, constantly question his citizenship, compare him to hitler, etc...cutting through the b.s., those who say these things about him in public are probably calling him a nigger in private. there's serious racial tension bubbling below the surface of politically correct everyday life here in america. you're perfectly within your rights to make whatever deductions you please from this election's outcome, as i'm free to make my own.

        the way you've framed your question is again too simplistic. i'd agree with you that your statement puts forth a false dichotomy, which i'm sure was the intent.

        if you really wanted to understand where i was coming from you could've just asked. i expect others to have different opinions, and i respect those differences. i appreciate the richness found in different perspectives and schools of thought. but far from trying to engage in a conversation that pushed the dialogue forward, it seems like your only goal was to poke holes in my premise.

        when i address issues pertaining to race in america, it's not in the abstract. a flippant treatment of my personal perspective is offensive because it means that you've already mentally taken the steps necessary to make my perspective subordinate to your own, i.e., you as a white man is going to tell me about what life is like for a black man.

        i'll talk about anything with anyone, but i do my best to do it with respect, and with an appreciation of the dignity of the other participant.

        Friday at 6:22pm · Like

        Dan- I'm struck by this line: "a flippant treatment of my personal perspective is offensive because it means that you've already mentally taken the steps necessary to make my perspective subordinate to your own, i.e., you as a white man is going to tell me about what life is like for a black man."

        First, can I not challenge your thinking as you are mine?

        Second, does that frame every disagreement we may have as racial just due to the fact that I'm white and you're black? And further as a white man, am I, therefore, unable to empathize with the hatred another feels against him or her, whether it be racism, sexism, etc?

        I think these are some of the reasons we can't have a real discussion about race in America. If I disagree, I "don't know what it's like" or I'm speaking out of a racial bias. How can there be any back-and-forth under those circumstances?

        Yesterday at 10:08am · Like

        Chad- of course you can challenge me...when did i say you couldn't?

        "does that frame every disagreement..."? until we both become different races, i don't see how it could be framed in any other way. that doesn't mean that the disagreements must necessarily be adversarial. and i don't think there's anything wrong with approaching the conversations in this way. your experiences as a white male inform your perspective, just as my experiences inform mine.

        yes, you can empathize with others of different races and genders. i didn't see much empathy in your previous comments, though. it seemed like you were basically asking the question of what needs to happen before blacks shut up about race and agree that things aren't that bad anymore. i know these aren't your actual words, but that's what i gathered the subtext to be. if i'm wrong about that please let me know.

        why can't we agree that you don't know what it's like, and start from there? i think that's the problem, that too many of our white brothers and sisters assume to know what life is like for minorities in america. of corse everyone is free to hold their own opinions, but instead of simply holding opinions, ask questions and get the facts.

        25 minutes ago · Like

    Write a comment...